Super Woes

It's no secret that I have been watching a lot of Superman related media the past month or so. A friend of mine turned me on to Smallville and out of curiosity I branched out to practically all other Superman related paraphernalia including comic books, graphic novels, TV shows, movies, and shorts.

This brought me to writing this blog and what will be known as my first of many "Worst Lists."

Here are the runner ups:

Smallville

Some would argue that the show is one of the best delineations of the comic than any other moving picture representation. I would disagree. What's different in this rendition of the classic superhero? Well for starters, Smallville is now in its eighth season and still no super suit. Now, I don't really want to see a grown man in tights and a cape, but there has to be something better than putting Tom Welling in a blue shirt that is two sizes too small and an off-hue red jean jacket. Sometimes, they even mix it up and throw on a blue jean jacket instead! Horrible. What else is different?

• Lois Lane is now played by a flabby stripper who makes it her business to date virtually every other male character (save Lex) and single handedly force me to spam the mute button.
• Lana Lang in the comic book is Superman's high school sweetheart and in the movie Superman 3 she is superman's girlfriend. In Smallville, however, Ms. Lang (played by Kristin Kreuk) is actually Clark's bleeding vagina, and is the cause of much discontent. She also steals much of the show's airtime in the first 7 seasons, drawing the viewer into useless subplots that are nothing more than a ploy to engage the young female viewers. Don't even get me started on the 'She's a witch' plotline.
• Chloe Sullivan is a new character to the franchise and created solely for Smallville. The character is more of a Lois Lane then the actual show's Lois Lane and in the first 6 seasons remains a constant reminder of why some of us don't keep in touch with our high school 'friends.' In Season 7 and 8 however, she becomes a love interest for a young Jimmy Olsen.
• In the comic book Jimmy Olsen is a young photographer that teams up with Lois to get the latest scoops. In Smallville he is now played by what appears to be a middle schooler, but somehow remains to be one of the most realistic and authentic characters.
• Oliver Queen/Green Arrow is not a mainstay in the Superman series, but many will notice his credits on the JLA comic franchise. Smallville highlights a unique character that although screams homosexuality, seems to constantly fall in and out of love with the ever single/slutty Lois Lane.

The show is built on a foundation of 1/4 trendy bullshit and 3/4 teenage angst, even though the characters supposedly left high school 4 seasons (years) ago.

Superman and the Mole Men

Circa 1951, and in Black and White, Superman is transferred to the silver screen for one of the first times. The plot consists of Clark and Lois traveling to a small town (name unimportant) to write a story on the world's deepest oil well (plot unimportant). Peril hits the town (and story) as the drilling strikes a secret cavern where the Mole Men live. After many an angry town mob sequences and ugly monster rebellions ensue, Superman is forced to play monkey in the middle and saves a Mole Man before taking the brunt of a ray gun and punching out a townsman stating "it's better than you deserve."

Unlike any of its predecessors and successors, there is no comedic flair to the movie and it is acted with an almost laughable seriousness. The Mole Men, the source of much paranoia for the movie, are seen as furry monsters with bald heads and posses the ability to touch something and make it luminescent at night. OoOoOoooo.... Scary... This of course sends the town into sheer peril and sparks a riot. Classic SciFi response, right?

It's a Bird... It's a Plane... It's Superman
A short-lived Broadway musical and later straight-to-TV movie, the musical follows Max Menkin... Wait, what? Who? The character doesn't exist in the comic and oddly enough is the main character to this travesty. Max is an egotistical Daily Planet reporter who's envy of Superman manifests into hatred.

The main villain of the musical is Dr. Abner Sedgwick, a nothing new/interesting character that takes the place of the Lex Luther persona... Rumors are that the creators of the musical didn't want to pay DC for the rights to use the Lex Luther character... and rightly so, on Broadway, the musical was a complete bust.

In what is supposed to be a comedic approach to the role of Superman, it is hardly about Superman at all. The only comedic responses derived from this are how bad the music, script, and acting are.

Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman
What do you get when combine bad writing with bad acting? This show.

Dean Cain's "Slater" (see Saved by the Bell) version of Superman includes all the pitfalls and woes of the Superman Franchise: A gay man in pastels. From his high pitched voice to his awkward cod piece, Cain creates a unique rendition that is better watched with eyes and ears covered.

Lex Luther is no longer bald, instead supporting an ugly shock of dirty brown/red hair. His almost lewd fixation with Alexander the Great is still in full swing and as a bonus he gets a trained falcon sidekick that kills pigeons.

Teri Hatcher, as Lois Lane, reminds me more of a cousin then a love interest for Clark Kent, which doesn't hinder their marriage plans... Her physical "hotness," however, is the only redeeming side of the show, and is in fact the only positive trait that comes to mind.

That being said...

There are so many choices, but like the hit movie Highlander, there can be only one.

And the Winner (loser) is....

It's a Bird... It's a Plane... It's Superman

Who doesn't want to see Superman sing while battling generic Chinese acrobats (played by Caucasians) and lying on the couch for a psychiatry session? At least the others were mildly entertaining.

Two words: Epic Failure.